When I was about six, I used to sleep in a wooden armchair that folded down into a bed. In those days the walls were made of lathe and plaster and they housed all kinds of insects. Before dad went to bed he would come into my room and squash the bugs on the wallpaper, cos they came out at night to feed on ones blood. Invariably he would also lift me up in my half dopey state and turn me over, saying 'never sleep on your heart son'. This I could have done without, cos I was quite comfortable in my little world.

One night my mum, her face about six inches away from mine, woke me, and she was grinning and it frightened the life out of me. (Now don't get me wrong, I loved my mum.) She said 'Can you see anything different in me', well why should I even bother cos I wanted to get back to the land of nod. 'No' said I, well she said 'I've got a new pair of glasses' oh good now let me get back to sleep. Many times since then I have been accused of being unobservant. Do you notice anything different about me a girlfriend would ask? Well, you've got a few more wrinkles. Just like you would be the reply, I've got a new hairstyle or I've dyed my hair, (They just never appreciate that I preferred it as it was). Still I digress.

My birthday was very near to Christmas, so all my aunt's would say well I haven't bought you anything for your birthday so ill buy you a bigger present for Christmas. When Christmas came I think that they forgot I even existed, cos I got naught. One Christmas morning I went round to my cousin's house to see all the wonderful toys that they had got from Father Christmas. I was quite happy with what I had received cos id got a torch, a long balloon, a new shinny penny and an apple and an orange and with that I was able to play searchlights and airships for a long while in the dark. My uncle Ted came in loaded with presents, he had been down to Petticoat Lane that morning and he handed my four cousins a toy concertina full up with toffees. I didn't get one, but he turned round to my Uncle Harry and said 'I didn't know he'd be here' so I don't think I was very popular.

Anyway one year my mum bought me a brand new pair of plimsolls for my birthday, cor they cost fivepence, a fortune. I couldn't wait to get them on, then whilst she was shopping I went out into the street and played football with the lads forgetting that I had my new shoes on. In the rough and tumble that took place with my friends, the uppers came away from the soles, what could I do. I had a flash of inspiration, I know, id stick the sole back on. I went indoors and looked for something I could stick them with, but the only sticky thing was a tin of condensed milk in the larder. I liberally applied the condensed milk to my plimsolls but it didn't half make my socks sticky as well. The aftermath is best forgotten.

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