My name is Paper, Basil Don Paper, & I like my coke in a tin, shaken but not stirred. I don't know what it tastes like, cos there's never enough drink left in the can to tell.

I'd finished my stint at Wembley speedway track; I'd had six rides, crashed four times, & fallen off twice. I would get six pounds for the six starts, but as it would cost me nine pounds for new tyres, it wasn't a very profitable night.

My girlfriend & I made our way to the railway station, arm in arm. We mingled with all the crowds coming out of the stadium, & were carried along in the rush. I pushed her behind me, so that I could protect her from falling down the station stairs. I felt her pushing hard up against me, as we descended the stairs & so I put my hands behind me to hold onto her. I felt her Venus mound through her light summer frock, & it excited me. In the crowd, I lifted her frock up & felt her small lacy panties, it was delicious. I stroked her & felt her push against me ever tighter. When we got to the bottom of the stairs the crowd melted as they rushed for the train standing in the station. I turned around to face her, but to my consternation it was not my girlfriend that was behind me, but a gorgeous blonde, a total stranger. She had obviously enjoyed our brief encounter cos she threw her arms around my neck & gave me a big smacker (Oh why do they keep doing that), then she ran with the crowd to board the train.

I waited for my girlfriend who had been pushed far in the rear by the crowd. (Well, they hadn't pushed her in her rear but she was in the rear if you understand my meaning). Oh forget it! As the train had now left the station it was o k for me to have a pee, so I walked down to the gents toilet, & there cooing on the station was a carrier pigeon. No wonder it was walking. Because someone had tied the note round its neck & it was written on a slate, poor thing must be exhausted having had to walk all the way.

I read the note, it was from Cumber. I once asked him why his name was Cumber & he told me that he didn't feel right with his full name, Cucumber. He told me to report to him right away on a matter of extreme importance. I feel a word of explanation is now necessary. During the war, I had been a government-registered assassin & as Churchill had his eye on going to war with Russia, I had never been demobbed. I was still paid my danger money seven & a half p per day, & this cash came in very useful. I wished my girlfriend a sailor's farewell jumped on my bike, & made my way to Cumbers office. When I arrived there, the first thing he did was to rebuke me for not wearing Government Issue bicycle clips. He told me that I had an important mission, as someone had stolen the British part of the Concorde.

I knew with my vast knowledge that De Gaul had supplied the Conk & Britain the Cord. So I knew that I was looking for a piece of string, but how long was it, I guess it was twice as long as from the middle to one end. Cucumber then surprised me, cos at the end of the cord, was a Canard that lay's the golden oeuff. Now as opening batsman with my local cricket team my highest score was a golden duck so I was well aquatinted with these matters. I was told that I had to go to Paris & meet the Rear Brothers. Dia Rear would meet me in the toilets at the Gare De Nord. But his brother Gunner Rear was sur le l'ospital.

I retrieved my dirty bill cap from the hat stand in Dosh threepenybits office. She was worth a lot more than Money Penny, & I hated her cos she was about one hundred & ten & that was only her Breast size. I made my way to the Euro Tunnel to get to France, but it was a long dark walk. At the Gare De Nord Toilets I approached a man that I thought was Dia Rear & proffered the password. 'Voulez vous avec moi sur le soir, vous ecouchez moi'. Now I never knew what this phrase meant, but when I was young & said it to a french girl, she would giggle with delight, But now im older, when I say it to a french lady, she normally swipes me round the face. This time I wondered why all the other males were looking at me in a funny way, & the man I had said it to told me to pee off, I didn't understand cos I have never played golf in my life. However I found Dia in number one stall, & after he came out there were cracks all over the wall's, but no doubt the cleaners would be able to wash them off. It's funny how many toilets Kilroy has visited. (I understand that the yanks were not the first men on the moon, cos when they went to the toilet, they found that Kilroy had been there before them).

Dia took me to the l'ospital to see Guns & he said I was to contact a lady by the name of Shandy. I have heard of this lady before & knew that as a barmaid's daughter, she had pulled the wrong handle & got stout. Outside l'ospital I saw a beautiful blonde lady lying stark naked in the gutter. My instincts told me right away that this was Shandy. I helped her up, being the gentleman that I was & she asked me 'Comment vous been in l'ospital' so I told her the truth, I was suffering from De Gaul Stones. She also had been to l'ospital & the doctor had said 'big breaths' to which she replied 'yeth & im only sixthteen'. I put my dirty bill cap on her head so that she wasn't completely naked & we made our way along the Rue de la something. We went into a shady bar & I said to the bar steward, one shandy & one coke in the tin, shaken but not stirred. Silly man, he didn't know how near to death he was, being polite, he open the can for me, & its contents were shared amongst all the men at the bar counter. This of course started a fight, I don't know how you feel, but all the crowd at the bar were foreigners, & they all spoke a funny language. Shandy then passed me onto another lady called 'landing craft Lill', now she had never been to France before but she had had a lot of France in her. As she had studied first year french at school she felt she was very competent as a courier. I went into a cigarette shop & bought some fumer.

As I was dying for a pee, I asked the beautiful blonde lady at the counter in my best french 'Avez vous un chambre de toilet, si vous ples'. To which she replied in her best cockney accent 'This is a fag shop, we don't sell that cheap french perfume in here'. So off we went to an adjacent Café, & I in my best french ordered 'un pote de The si vous ples', left her to order what she wanted & went to the toilet. When I came back, she had decided that I had not been correct in my order & changed it to 'pomme de tare'. So as thirsty as I was, I had to put up with a plate of boiled potatoes.

I asked Lill why we had come to this place & she told me that Maggie May had said that they did a nice Duck a l'orange, & she thought that they had stolen the piece of string with the Canard attached, to cook it. I thought to myself 'Maggie Maggy May, you have taken it away, now I'll never see my Canard any more'. I had to think quickly, so I burst into the kitchen & shouted out 'OO est la oeuff de la cock'. The cook (who called that cook, a ccccc cook) grabbed hold of a shotgun. Now I was at my best, cos I calculated that with this weapon, she would have three chances, the left barrel, the right barrel, & if she missed with these, she could turn the shotgun upside down & bludgeon me to death with the butt. She gazed along the sights, gently squeezed the trigger.

There was a terrible bang, & she shot me dead.

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